In the beginning was the Word. John 1:1
Shit! Did I
tell you to find someone who knew god?
Or did I give you a specific list that did not include anything about
knowing god? He’s not going to
like you.
Alright, she’s not going to like you. She’s going to interfere. She could hurt you badly. You’re young and I’m new here. We’re still feeling our way.
Yes, I know I said I needed help. But some kinds of help are no help at
all.
Yes, he did say that contention was a necessary part of
the world. I just think that we’ll
get enough of that coming at us from outside. We don’t need to invite it in.
Well, if she’s dead already, you might as well bring her
through. It’s going to be
difficult. We can’t lie to these
people.
Yes, but sometimes lying is all that keeps one person
from hating another. I don’t think
she’s going to like me. Did you
follow the list with the others?
Well, that’s good.
How many? Well, that’s two
more than we strictly need, so maybe that will be all right. I’m not that good with people,
though. If the others like her
better and she kicks up a fuss, they may not help at all.
Yes, you are lovely. I’m sure once they know you, they’ll love you. As much as you need. It’s just that knowing you will require
the slow building of a bridge of information. You’re not like anything they know.
A bridge?
Let me think how to explain that, for a minute. Yes, bring her through while I think.
Yes. All the
way. Just like we planned. Make sure she wakes up last, though.
Yes, I love you.
How could I not? You’re
going to be exactly what I want.
--
Boast not thyself of tomorrow; for thou knowest not what
a day may bring forth.
Proverbs 27:1
If you had asked Edwin Carlisle yesterday what his future
would be like, he would have said that everything was rosy. Of course he would have mentally
translated ‘future’ into career.
Maybe not in so many words, but his work life would have been what he
was thinking about while he was thinking ‘future’.
Today was completely different. Today it all felt hollow. He still remembered all the projects, all the triumphs, all
the buildings, streets, and bridges that were there because of him, because he
could make things happen were others got bogged down in other people’s
objections. He remembered them and
he remembered being proud of them, enjoying them, exulting in them. He could even remember the rest of the
cycle: the urge to take weeks off and
relax, the basking in the glow of success, the catching up with other parts of
his life outside the project, followed by the little restlessnesses, the
growing dissatisfaction with family and friends that meant it was time to find
another project.
The best projects were the ones that everyone said were
doomed.
Now Ed just wanted to let doomed things lie. And, feeling like a doomed thing
himself, he was lying out in his orchard.
His home was just far enough into the city for a private orchard to be an
indulgence. It was a hobby. It helped him work off steam while his
mind chewed through problems. It
provided home-grown, organic fruit and nuts for gifts. He had loved it. He had gone there hoping that it would
cheer him. But, the trees may as
well have been rotting stumps.
Missy was dead.
It was stupid to be reacting this way. He had known it was coming. There were people that he could call, but he was in
mid-project. It always took awhile
to talk people back into liking him again after he entered full-on,
blow-them-off project mode. It
just seemed too much trouble to go through. Everything seemed to be too much trouble.
It was a pity he couldn’t starve himself to death in a
single night. He couldn’t imagine
ever eating again, could barely imagine having the energy to stand up. Poor Missy. He would always wonder if she had known it was coming.
He began to think about sharp tools and feeding the trees
with his blood. Missy had liked
the trees. She had eaten the fruit
with gusto. He couldn’t think of
any tools close to hand that were smooth enough. A pruning saw just wouldn’t do.
It wasn’t quite winter, yet, and it wasn’t quite dark,
either. The moist warmth of the
well-composted ground was sending up mist into the evening air. There would be a tule fog tonight. Probably not enough of one to reach up
to the highway, but the local roads would be hazardous to drive.
Ed thought about driving into something in the fog. He couldn’t think of anywhere where
that would be definitely fatal, without involving another car. He couldn’t do that. That would be cowardly and selfish.
He thought about his toes. His arms and legs were spread out like a paper doll. That’s how he felt. Dry and lifeless, strung hand to hand
with a line of other people exactly like him. He was endlessly replaceable. What clothes was he wearing? Would he care later that they were wrinkled and muddy? Would he ever care about anything
again?
He remembered lying out in a field like this when he was
young. He had lain out at night
and imagined that he was looking down, instead of up, that he could fall into the
dark and the stars and fly. Now it
was all misty and cold and it felt like gravity had been turned up to two or
three times its normal intensity.
He could feel the meat hanging from his bones. It was a good thing the ground was there, to hold it up, or
it would droop until it fell off.
This was no way to be.
There were guns. He knew
people who had them. He’d remember
who they were soon. Eventually,
he’d have the energy to stand up and get a gun. Going on like this forever just couldn’t be borne. It was okay to be miserable, now that
he knew that it would stop. Maybe
not tonight. Tonight he was too
cold and tired. He’d had a
shock. But shocks wore off. He’d have enough energy soon.
Maybe if he slept, he’d wake up and remember who had a gun. Someone who worked all day, so he could
break a window and get it and not have to talk to anyone or let anyone see
him. Letting anyone see him would
be a bad idea. He had to look like
hell. His eyes felt heavy and
sunken. Maybe they had pushed back
in his head too far to be seen.
That would set anyone looking at him off. They’d ask him where his eyes were and while he was
explaining, he’d make a mistake and talk about the gun. Then they’d lock him up and he’d be
miserable forever.
Ed turned his head to look at his hand. It looked like a normal hand, in the
fading light. Through the mist he
saw mushrooms pushing up through the dirt just beyond his fingers. Were they moving that fast, or was he
just thinking that slowly? They
were unfolding in droves. No, not
droves, there were only a dozen or so.
Ed turned his head further. They were in an arc.
With as much plan-reading as he did, the geometry was obvious. The mushrooms were rising in a ring
around him. What was the story
about fairy rings? All Ed could
think of were stories about fairies that opened cracks in the earth under
barrows, places of the dead. What
did those fairies do? Ed couldn’t
remember. Something about aging,
or living a hundred years underground in a week. He didn’t want to live that long. There was no way he could bear a week.
The mushrooms crowded in around him and he felt himself
sinking into the ground. No. He needed to be able to get up later
and get the gun. Ed started to
weep, more tears that he believed could come out of him. They were warm until they got into his
ears, where they cooled enough to be sticky. Maybe the salt in them would kill the mushrooms. Maybe he just needed to cry harder and
he’d be free.
Ed started to sob.
He pulled again and again and finally pulled one arm free. The back of it was covered with pithy
white hairs. Where the hairs
entered, he could feel nothing.
Okay. Numb was
good. Maybe the mushrooms would
eat him and he’d never have to stand up again. After that, someone had better come and till the mushrooms
into the soil, to let the soil dry out.
Soil that wet and fungus-ridden had to be bad for the trees. It was nice to feel concerned about the
trees again. Ed let his arm fall
back. It wasn’t just the mushrooms
coming up, he was definitely sinking down into the dirt.
That would be convenient. That would outdo Uncle Buster. Dad had always been proud of Uncle Buster. Uncle Buster had been retired when he
died and Dad always wanted to go out just like him. Buster had had a garden, rather than an orchard, and he had
pottered in it every day. He took
his wheelbarrow out, pottered in his garden, then tipped the wheelbarrow up and
sat back in the shade of it to nap before pottering a little more and pushing
the wheelbarrow back up to the house.
One day a neighbor noticed that Buster had been napping for
most of the day and went over to check.
Sure enough, Buster had died, right there in the garden. When the ambulance came, the overgrown
driveway had been too wet for a gurney to push through, so they had just tipped
Buster’s wheelbarrow up and used it to haul him down to the street. Neat and efficient. Dad had approved.
Dad had only managed to die in his sleep between the time
that his wife had gotten up and the time that the coffee was ready. Now Ed was out-doing Buster. He would disappear completely, not only
ready-laid-out, but ready-buried.
He didn’t believe that he was going where Missy was. He could have been happy believing
that, but he didn’t. This wasn’t
going to be joy, only relief, and just a little hint of triumph at finally
beating Dad at something.
Odd that he’d be thinking that. Dad had never accomplished much of anything. Odd that he’d feel like this was the
first time . . . well, maybe he’d think about that some other time. Or maybe there was no time. The mist was thick. Ed wasn’t sure if he was seeing fog or
mycelium covering his eyes.
Mycelium: that was the name
of the roots of mushrooms. Not
roots, exactly - those underground tendrils were the main part of the
mushroom. The parts above ground
were the fruiting bodies.
Ed chuckled as his sight dimmed and he felt a whisper of
moving dryness in his nose. He was
going to be a fruiting body in an orchard. He was ready to let go. He hoped all his parts would be useful. Missy couldn’t find him and worry. She wouldn’t be alone. She was gone.
He hoped someone would take good care of the trees.
--
That one looks good. I wasn’t expecting him to want to die. No, that’s all right. Do him first. The first one will be riskiest, and if he wants to die,
that’s like permission to take the risk.
Yes, he might still want to die. We may have to let him. Yes, that makes two unsuitable
ones. They might all be unsuitable
one way or another. We just have
to deal with what we have, now.
I think you did really well, all things considered. Should I tell you now that the Book Man
didn’t think you’d be able to do this at all? Would that make you nervous?
No, I don’t think you should be nervous. I think you’re wonderful and can do
more than the Book Man suspects.
Of course you need to remember to listen to me. I’m also more wonderful than the Book
Man suspects.
Yes, I’ve surprised him before. I intend to surprise him again. I intend for both of us to surprise him, over and over.
That would be nice, yes, if the others could surprise
him, too. I don’t think we should
show them to him too soon, though.
Do you need to rest? No? All
right. Pull him almost all the way
through. Then let him rest. It looks like he needs to rest. I remember the anatomy. You need to keep the function
intact. Yes I know it’s complicated,
but you’re wonderful. And I
remember it all. At least, I hope
I remember enough.
Pull through as much moisture and structure as you
need. They’ve given us more than
enough. Now pay attention. I know it’s hard. Don’t stop at the wrong time or he’ll
die. There’s my good girl.